[phone rings]
[keys clacking]
- Ten minutes till the meeting.
- Great. How do I look?
Do I look, uh, confident?
- Mm, your lip is very sweaty.
- I pay you more than enough money to lie.
God damn it. A mid-season strike? Really?
I mean, I thought the ruling class
crushed organized labor years ago.
How is this even legal?
- It's not, unless they have proof
that we aren't negotiating in good faith.
Which they have, since you sent them a memo
outlining all your big changes,
which I am still baffled by.
- I got confused between a Limon Shout Out
and a Limon Roll Call.
- Seriously? I didn't think
this kind of elderly internet accident was still possible.
- Look, the bottom line is, 10:00 a.m. tomorrow,
those players are gonna walk off that field.
God, I never felt such pressure in my whole life.
I make a living describing
other people's actions from a distance,
but actually doing things is hard.
It's--it's terrible. I'm not built for it.
God, I need some fresh air.
Okay, I'm in a real hurry here, Limon.
Let's call up something saucy and to the point, shall we?
- Cueing selects from Mr. Magorium's
"Man On the Go" playlist.
- Gosh, I hate to be a Choosy Charlie,
but can she be a redhead?
Oh, God bless you, Limon.
God, what a time to be alive
and masturbating in an office bathroom.
[chuckles]
- Jim, I've noticed a tremor in your hand.
- Kind of the point right now, isn't it?
- This is different.
It could be a trapped nerve, an overactive thyroid,
mercury poisoning--
- You know, I do pride myself
on my singular sexual focus,
but you're really, uh, deboning my boner right now, Limon.
- I recommend taking a blood test.
Do I have your consent?
- Oh, yeah... Ow!
Shit! God!
What, you got a needle in there?
- Sending this for analysis. Please continue.
- Not sure I'm in the mood anymore.
- I could add another redhead.
- Well, don't just talk about it.
Let's take this cock train to Ginger Valley.
Come on!
Nice.
Nice! My goodness.
She is a biggun.
Mm-mm-mm.
[light percussive music]
[exhales]
- Pre-meeting jerk sesh go well?
- I came to a satisfactory conclusion.
Thank you. - Great.
The terms of the meeting just changed.
- "Structured mediation will take place
"in one-hour sessions
immediately followed by one-hour breaks."
Jesus Christ, we only have 24 hours.
The guy just took away 12 of 'em.
- Classic Finnegan strategy.
Delay, distract, keep us off balance.
- Harold K. Finnegan.
Sounds like a leprechaun CPA, doesn't he?
- He's the biggest negotiator in the game.
He single-handedly
brought the teamsters back from the dead.
- Jesus. Is this guy mobbed up?
- He's a respected union leader.
Of course he's mobbed up. - Ugh.
- The players were so angry after the last two lockouts,
they hired the biggest gun they could.
- Well, he's very good,
'cause I can already taste the metal in my mouth.
I mean, don't these guys know
that another strike is just gonna kill this game dead?
- Of course they do, which is why they have all the leverage.
But don't worry; I know what the players are looking for
in this new deal, and it's all in our proposal,
along with some incentives to buy their approval
of the things that they don't want.
- That makes me feel better.
- Plus, I'm on enough Adderall
to fly a fighter plane with my mind.
- That makes me feel worse.
- Hey, um...
about what I said in your apartment--
- No, please don't worry about that.
You were absolutely right.
Led to a very good conversation
that Beth and I really needed to have,
so in fact, thank you.
- Okay. She called me...
And told me that if I was still interested,
I should make a move,
so this is me...
Making a move.
- [stammering]
Now is not the time to get into
the Vietnam-level quagmire that is known as our relationship.
Can we just focus, please?
We're about to go in there.
How should we kick things off?
Maybe a little name-game action?
Maybe some fun facts about ourselves thrown in?
Like, uh, "How you doing, everybody?
"I'm Jim. I once played the voice
"of a sportscasting bulldog
in the movie 'Look Who's Talking Now.'"
- Jim, I actually don't want you
in the negotiations with me.
You're just so terrible at contracts and money.
All responsible adult things, really.
- Actually, really good call,
'cause I drive an unbelievably soft bargain.
- I'm gonna go bang this thing out in half an hour,
and then I think you and I
should, uh, get dinner and talk.
- Half hour, huh? Why don't you just
solve The Disputed Lands while you're at it?
- Get me some more Adderall, and I'll see what I can do.
- [chuckles] More drugs. That's--that's what you need.
[groans]
[tense percussive music]
♪
- Robot umps, pitch clocks,
goddamn body cameras?
- We're just asking for a little trust.
- You guys made me wear a Colonizers jersey.
What are my racist in-laws supposed to think?
- Limon, the test footage, please.
[device pings]
- Stay up, stay up, stay up,
stay up, stay up--yes!
- So I'm supposed to be impressed
by some new camera angle?
- This catch brought to you
by Fever Dream Mattress.
God, I wish I could be
on a Fever Dream mattress right now.
The ground is freakin' hard.
- Players receive 80%
of ad revenue from livestreaming,
which they can do through the entire game.
But we're not done putting money in your pocket.
We're reducing service time
to just five years of team control.
- [soft groan]
♪ Pack up your troubles
♪ In your old kit bag
♪ And smile, smile, smile
- Finnegan, what's goin' on?
- Well, I just figured, if we were wasting each other's time,
I might as well be entertaining while we do it.
[light laughter]
♪ Don't let your joy and laughter ♪
♪ Hit a snag
♪ Just smile, boys
♪ That's the style
- What, do you think you're gonna do
your little dance on the table,
and then we're gonna forget what we're doing here?
[old-timey music]
[shoes tapping]
[light laughter]
[whispers] God damn it, he's good.
[rhythmic ticking]
- That mustachioed son of a bitch
never even countered!
His feet did all the talking.
[exhales deeply]
Why can't we be together?
- I thought we agreed to table this one.
- I changed my mind. I'm fun like that.
- I suppose we could be a couple
in, like, a perfect world.
- So we could work as a couple.
- That's not what I meant.
- That's what you said.
We just have to figure out
what this perfect world is. No problem.
- Actually, there are quite a lot of problems.
- Name one. - For starters, uh,
I don't wanna give up my membership
to the Sanctum Social Club.
- The orgy club?
- It's so much more than just an orgy club.
I mean, yeah, people are constantly having sex
in easily hosed-down corners,
but they're the nicest people you'd ever want to meet,
and the shrimp cocktail, my hand to God,
it's the best in the city.
- I will not take off my clothes
for you and your ex-wife's sex buffet.
- Fine.
- I could maybe agree to the occasional...
seafood voyeurism combo platter.
- That's great, and you'll see,
I'm not kidding about the shrimp.
They make their own sauce in-house.
- They want you back at the table.
- We're supposed to have an hour.
- They said something about bylaws.
[rhythmic ticking]
- Finnegan...
I understand your anger.
Most of these owners are...
monsters.
But I'm not like that,
and it's reflected in my proposal.
Any of you see that I included
a living wage for minor-league players?
You didn't ask for that.
But I believe that everyone who plays this game
deserves to be taken care of.
- Well said.
Oh.
Could you refresh my memory?
Where did you first meet Commissioner Brockmire?
- At Morristown. - Morristown.
And what was your job title at Morristown?
- Owner.
- Owner?
Owner of a baseball team.
Well--well, then it sounds like
you're very much like those people you were talking about.
In fact, doesn't that make you literally the same thing?
- No, it's not the same thing.
My dad was a ball player, just like you.
- Sorry, didn't you cut your father from the team,
effectively ending his career?
- Because he couldn't catch up to a fastball.
His body was breaking down.
How--how did you know about that?
- I know a great many things,
Julia Arlene James,
and I have a lot more up my sleeve.
Care to check?
- Absolutely not.
- Oh.
What's that?
That shouldn't be in there, should it?
Wh-- [chuckles]
Behold the awesome power of whimsy.
[laughter, applause]
[tense music]
♪
- Uh, things going any better?
- Worse.
He knows my middle name and magic.
- Great.
- So what's it gonna take
to get you and me in a relationship today?
- Jules, impossible things,
like drinking less.
- I can do that.
What if I go down to, say,
three nights a week?
- It's a bald-faced lie.
- Six nights a week?
I will be sober on Cocaine Wednesdays.
- Well, you do light up the world
when you're on cocaine.
Give you that.
- We're getting somewhere.
♪
- Every kid in America is wearing Colonizers merch,
and we aren't seeing a penny.
- I know that!
My proposal takes you from zero to 25%.
- Ms. James, could you please
take these discussions seriously?
- I'mnot taking them seriously?
- FYI, key to a good Caesar:
dry, crisp lettuce and at least six real anchovies.
Come and get it, boys.
- Okay, so right...
here.
[indistinct murmurs]
- Great. Wait till you taste this.
[bangs]
♪
- [sighs]
[sniffs]
I wouldn't eat any of Finnegan's
Mediterranean buffet out of spite.
[crinkling]
Where are we at?
- Us?
Look, Jules,
even if you could drink fewer nights,
which boy, does that remain to be seen,
I cannot have a Julia-James level
of alcohol in my home, okay?
I mean, I host AA meetings there, for crying out loud.
- [crunching] I'm handy.
I'll build a she-shed on the roof
and keep my booze there.
- You know, that could actually work,
'cause I never do go up on the roof.
Plus, I think my neighbor's
been feeding the goddamn pigeons up there,
flappy little dead-eyed sacks of shit that they are.
Boy, you know, we're actually getting pretty darn close.
I don't know how anybody says no to you.
- No, no, no.
No robot umps ever!
- We need a human on the field,
a real person to communicate with.
- And you will have that!
A computer's calling balls and strikes,
but there will be a human ump
dressed as a robot out on the field.
- Really?
That does have a whiff of old-school showmanship.
- So you admit it's good.
- No, I do not!
And let the record show
that I have not agreed with anything
Ms. James has said this entire day!
[bangs]
- This is getting us nowhere.
[chuckles]
You think bald is sexy?
Dude, you look like a Vienna sausage!
♪
- As you're smiling,
I can see the cocaine in your gums from here.
- Gold Glove?
Try old glove.
♪
[overlapping shouts] - I didn't think George Brett
could shit himself twice in his life...
- Everybody knows you got drunk and made out with...
- But I was wrong. - The Phillie Phanatic.
♪
- I'm too busy hitting home runs, sister.
Pay attention to the stats. - Oh, please.
♪
God, it's like one step forward, one step back.
I think I'm starting to reach Benny,
but then Finnegan pulls some stunt.
- Can I help you, Jules?
- I've seen your dick before.
- Great, well...
by all means, then, make yourself at home.
- You're holding something back.
I can feel it.
- Jules, no firearms, okay?
I just--I've witnessed their terrible purpose up close,
and I realize I'm in the minority,
as America has more guns than trees now.
- You want me to give up Polly Pop-Its?
- Jesus.
- This bad bitch got me through
the Pennsylvania Water Riots.
- I know I don't really want the answer to this question,
but did you kill anyone
during those water riots, Jules?
- [whispering] I think a better question is,
do I look thirsty to you?
- Good God.
[urinal flushes]
- I might be willing to concede on the guns
if I can keep my Arkansas toothpick.
- Now, when did you become Ted Nugent?
- When we started living in Ted-Nugent times.
- Well, touché.
Truth is, I don't really mind knives.
In my experience, getting stabbed is just a part of life.
- We're in the ballpark.
- We actually are, God help us.
[chuckles] Hmm.
- Jim, there's someone to see you at reception.
- Wh--now? Jesus.
I--can it wait?
- No, Jim, it can't.
- Go. I gotta get back in there, anyway.
- It's dawn.
[elevator dings]
- Mr. Brockmire. - Yeah.
- Dr. Barret.
I'm here to give you your results.
- At the ass-crack of dawn?
- Limon can be persuasive.
- [scoffs]
- So the blood test for Parkinson's
is pretty definitive these days.
Your tremor is a result of the disease.
I'm sorry.
- Fuck.
Parkinson's, huh?
Boy...
looks like God's sniper rifle finally has me in its sights.
Okay.
- It's true there's no cure, but we're catching it early,
and the medications have improved.
- That's it? No hug?
Just a drive-by diagnosis?
- Coming out before office hours
earned me so many credits,
I don't need the extra emotion points.
[ticking]
- It's official.
We're deadlocked.
I think they'll strike today.
- [sighs]
- But you and me,
we're almost at the finish line.
- Jules, um-- - To recap.
Drinking goes down to five nights a week,
Cocaine Wednesdays,
booze in the she-shed,
I get, uh, an entry-level membership to the orgy club,
and we spend one week
at that awful, awful Ojai house
before we burn it to the ground for the insurance money.
- Mm. - What do you say?
- [inhales]
Can't do it, Jules.
- Huh.
Hardball, huh?
[slams]
- This just says "white wine."
[scoffs]
- I'm willing to give up hard alcohol
and only drink white wine.
Original Recipe Jules is such a good deal.
She's fun, she's light,
less likely to get in a fight with a cop,
plus...
She's the woman you fell in love with.
- No, that's a great deal,
you're right, but, uh...
I can't take it.
- Why not?
- Because I just popped down to the lobby
to find out that I have Parkinson's.
[clicks tongue]
Little jim-jam here really does it all.
- So?
What does that change?
- It changes everything, Jules.
I mean, uh, our future perfect world
was based on the false premise
that I would be around to enjoy it.
Look, I don't want you to ever have to take care of me again,
and--but no, by the end of this thing,
taking care of me is gonna be a full-time job, darling,
so...
uh...
Okay, I suck at negotiating,
but I'm gonna go in there and take a shot at Finnegan,
see if I can't solve this thing,
'cause there's no way
I'm letting baseball die before I do.
Um...
I love you.
I really do.
We just always have such shitty timing, don't we?
Just...
always.
[ticking]
- And so two scallywag bullfrogs
found themselves on opposite ends of a see-saw.
That's when you hit the lights.
Then Dave comes in from stage left
in a rocking chair.
- Uh, for the record,
I love me a one-man Mark Twain show.
I followed Hal Holbrook around on tour
in the summer of '94.
Still have a few bootlegs from that thing.
- How dare you sneak this peek behind the curtain.
- As much as I'm just dying
to see your take on America's Shakespeare,
we are running out of time, sir.
We have to end this thing.
- Simply remove those ridiculous changes,
and we'll be happy to ratify a new agreement.
- I'm sorry, but I can't do that,
because the truth is, this game really needs to change,
and instead of discussing that like adults,
you've been wasting all of our time
with a bunch of delightful but cheap theatrics.
- We have "shitty timing"?
What is that supposed to mean?
- Wh--what are you doing?
- We got to fall in love twice, asshole!
We're the luckiest people on Earth,
and you think you can push me away?
Well, you messed up,
'cause now you challenged me,
and I don't ever back down from a challenge.
- I'm not sure what this has to do with anything.
- It took me 50 years to leave Morristown.
You think I'm gonna kick rocks just 'cause your hand shakes?
I hope you do get sick,
like, really sick,
and when you do,
I'm gonna be right there
to look you in your eye,
wipe your ass,
and tell you how wrong you were to doubt my love.
The second I saw you, I knew you were broken,
and I'm broken, too,
and we were able to just...
jam our broken pieces together and...
God, we had some fun doing it.
- [scoffs]
- We love each other, but we also get each other,
and that's the real shit.
You can build a house on that.
- Holy shit. This is the speech.
[gasps]
- I don't remember all of it,
but yeah, this is the good part.
- [sniffles]
- Well, I don't have any time to waste.
I say we just get married right now.
- Don't threaten me with a good time.
- All right. Anybody here ordained?
- [sighs]
David, fetch my Unitarian bible.
It's next to the merkins.
- Dad.
- Oh, my God. You made it.
- Of course. Sorry I'm late.
I just had to stop by your house and get something.
- Oh, come on. That's so thoughtful.
Look at you. Thank you.
- You're welcome, Dad.
- Um, are you sure you're okay with all this?
Because it's very sudden and kind of insane.
- Are you kidding?
Yeah, it's gonna get you out of my hair.
I'm very okay with it.
- Well, now, you don't have to be that okay with it.
- I'm messing with you.
You're both really good people.
You deserve to be happy.
- Look, I should probably, uh--
probably tell you something,
and I don't want to bring everything down here--
- Then don't.
Whatever it is, it can wait, right?
Let's just enjoy today.
- Okay. All right. - You're getting married!
- [giggles]
- Spontaneous formal events
are the dream of every dapper man.
Even so, I'm only allowing this wedding
because we're in the sanctioned break period,
so no strike talk.
["Bridal Chorus" playing]
♪
This better not be some gimcrack gambit you're pulling,
'cause that's my thing.
- No gimcrackery here.
Really. Scout's honor.
[scoffs]
♪
Oh, rings.
- Oh, I got some from the players.
- Amazing.
♪
- I love weddings.
That's why I've had four of them.
- I get the World Series. You get the NLCS.
- Well, boy, that sounds about right.
- We are gathered here in the midst of this...
tense collective bargaining agreement
to bring together these two...weirdos.
In the interest of time, I will forego
my traditional recitation of "The Banks of Bonnie Doon"
and proceed directly to the vows.
Ms. James?
- [quietly] Thank you.
We've always been very different people
from very different worlds...
- [soft chuckle]
- With one thing in common.
both: Baseball.
[laughter]
- It has bound us together from the beginning of our journey,
but in the end, it wasn't enough.
We had to continue to find common ground.
- Veering into forbidden territory.
- We both need to change, in the same direction,
and I promise to continue changing along with you.
And if you don't like our deal,
we can always renegotiate in three to five years,
at which point, there'll be
a clearer understanding of the market.
- God damn it, you're done.
Brockmire, go.
- I just can't believe we're here.
[chuckles]
After all the acrimony,
together we've found a harmony
that we have never known before.
Twice, I walked away from you.
I just locked you right out of my heart,
and you had every right to strike--
strike right out on your own--
- Shut up.
Give each other the rings,
say "I do," I'll pronounce you,
and then we can get back to work.
- How about all revenue on bodycam livestreaming,
and 50 on all merch?
Benny, you're my Maid of Honor!
- Benny.
- I love love. Yes, let's do it.
- I do. - I do.
- All right, uh, you're pronounced.
Kiss.
[applause]
- All right, anybody got some music?
Because my body, it just--it has to talk.
- Did somebody say "music"?
[Bill Withers' "Lovely Day"]
♪ When I wake up in the morning, love ♪
♪
♪ And the sunlight hurts my eyes ♪
♪
♪ And something without warning, love ♪
♪
♪ Bears heavy on my mind
♪
♪ Then I look at you
♪
♪ And the world's all right with me ♪
♪